The Great Crossover Mixup
by Los Pollos Desnudos
Summary: All the stories are crossing over, and the world is in grave danger! Can the authors halt this madness before the Dark Lords eat the Wheel of Cheese? Includes mostly LotR, Harry Potter, WoT, and Golden Compass, but much more will be added soon.
1. Prologue

Prologue By Los Pollos Desnudos  
  
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, the dark lords were lounging around in some strange parallel universe drinking caffeine-free mint/herbal tea (with a hint of rosemary) and discussing life's most challenging problems  
  
Random Evil Lord #24: I'm having such an awful day. I woke and found that I had strangled my personal slave in my sleep, and I had to brush my own teeth!  
  
All: *gasp!*  
  
Random Evil Lord #1: Well, now that we're all here, let's get down to business. Anything new to share?  
  
Sauron: I defeated the elves!  
  
Dark Lords: Again?!  
  
Other Dark Lords: Finally?!!!  
  
Sauron: No. . .  
  
REL #2: You've been sharing the same thing for the past three thousand years!  
  
REL #67: What a loser!  
  
Voldemort: Well I faced Harry Potter yesterday!  
  
Dark Lords: Did you win?! Did you win?!  
  
Voldemort: No. . .  
  
REL #2: That would explain why you don't have a body.  
  
Voldemort: Yes. Yes it would.  
  
REL #1: Anything new with you, Shai'tan?  
  
Lightning Bolts: *Crash!*  
  
Horse: *Whinny!*  
  
Music: *Dun Dun Dun*  
  
Shai'tan: I've gotta get that fixed.  
  
REL #24: So wuzzap?  
  
Shai'tan: Oh, just the usual. My greatest enemy has been reborn and is starting to revolt against me. . . 


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One In which our story gets off to a(n) (insert adjective of choice) start, and some gender issues are encountered.  
  
The Wheel of Cheese turns, and cheddar comes and passes, leaving good smells and bad smells that become legend. Cheese turns to mold, and even mold is long rotted by the time the cow that produced it is milked again. In one age, called the third age by some, an age yet to come, an age long past, a wind rose from some strange transdimentional wormhole. The wind was not the beginning. It wasn't even a very good beginning. But it was all the beginning we could come up with.  
  
The wind spun across the land. Round and round it went, getting more and more dizzy, just for the heck of it. The wind spun and spun and spun. . . and then. . . it stopped. It was a sight to behold, a sight never seen before, a sight to make even the blind stop and stare. Yes, all the main characters of the Wheel of Time books were together- at the same time.  
  
Readers: *gasp!*  
  
Yes, I know. An amazing sight.  
  
Anyways, all our beloved characters were engaging in a bloody and rather entertaining battle.  
  
Mat: Give up, shadowspawn!  
  
Myrdraal: I'm not dead!  
  
Mat: Yes you are, flamin' eggface!  
  
Myrdraal: Get out of my eyeless sight, bloody shepherd!!  
  
*catfight*  
  
Mat: Meow!  
  
Egwene: Watch your language, both of you!  
  
Egwene whacks Mat and the Myrdraal with a large rubber mallet.  
  
Mat: Ouch! That hurt! Get us out of here, Rand! Egwene's being herself again!  
  
Meanwhile, Perrin was busy trying to defend himself from two Forsaken, six myrdraal, a couple hundred trollocs, and his wife.  
  
Faile: I can't believe you went to Berelain's tent last night! Just what do you think you were doing in there?!!!  
  
Perrin: *while madly swinging his ax* What are you talking about? I never set foot in Berelain's tent! For that matter, she doesn't even have a tent; she's got her own portable palace!  
  
Advertiser: Complete with stone pillars and various chandeliers.  
  
Faile: *angry silence*  
  
(two of the myrdraal go down)  
  
Perrin: *sigh* Look, whatever I did, I'm very sorry I did it.  
  
Faile: *furious silence*  
  
Perrin: I'm sorry, okay?!!!!  
  
Three myrdraal and five dozen trollocs fall to Perrin's marital fury.  
  
Faile: *amused silence*  
  
Perrin: I wish Mat or Rand were here. They know how to deal with women.  
  
Mat: I wish Rand or Perrin were here. They know how to deal with women.  
  
Rand: I wish Perrin or Mat were here. They know how to deal with women.  
  
Aran'gar: I'm not a woman!  
  
Lanfear: Well, I am! You are mine, Lews Therin!  
  
Moiraine: You can't have him!  
  
*catfight*  
  
Rand: I've gotta get out of here.  
  
Rand begins to open a Gateway.  
  
Elayne/Min/Aviendha: You weren't thinking of leaving us, were you?  
  
Rand: Of course not.  
  
Elayne/Min/Aviendha: Yes you were!  
  
All three hit him with large rubber mallet. The gateway splits into many different smaller ones.  
  
Lotsa People: Woolhead!!  
  
Rand: Why do they always blame me?  
  
And so chaos and disorder erupts from the already chaotic disorder. Lanfear and Moiraine, still engaged in their catfight, roll into one of the portals never to be seen again (supposedly). The rest roll off to places that have not been determined yet. And our adventures begin. 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 By Los Pollos Desnudos In which the council of Elrond becomes much more entertaining, and a lot of people get confused.  
  
Elrond: And thou must sacrifice thyself to feed the fruitbats...  
  
Frodo: ???  
  
And Elrond did spake, saying  
  
Elrond: First thou shalt choose a ringbearer, and then thou must choose a fellowship of nine, no more, no less. Nine shalt be the number thou shalt choose, and the number of the choosing shalt be nine. Ten shalt thou not choose, neither choose thou eight, excepting that thou then proceed to nine. Eleven is right out. Once the number nine, being the ninth number, be reached, then thou lobbest thy ring towards thou mountain, the ring being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  
  
Boromir: Right.  
  
Frodo: I'm not going.  
  
All: Just to be contradicting, lets make him the ringbearer.  
  
Frodo: NOOOO!!!!  
  
All: YESSS!!!  
  
Frodo: Alrighty then.  
  
(resorts back to biblical spaking)  
  
Frodo: I shall taketh this ringeth to Mordoreth, though I have to use the loo first.  
  
Suddenly, a sinister figure dropped from the sky.  
  
Rand: Ahhhh!!! *thump*  
  
Rand lands on Boromir, squishing him through another dimensional hole.  
  
Aragorn: Whoa, Boromir, how did you shave so fast?  
  
Rand: It's a special talent I have. Anyways, who's Boromir?  
  
Random Elf Lord #1: Amnesia? Again?! That's the third time this week!  
  
Frodo: Hello? I'm the main character here! Me, not the freaky big person!  
  
Frodo draws a sketchy picture of Rand/Boromir and himself, circling Frodo and furiously crossing out the other.  
  
Aragorn: Okay okay, we get the point.  
  
Elrond: Back to the fellowship.  
  
Sam: Oh mememe! Pick me! Pick me!  
  
Frodo: Does anyone else want to come with me?  
  
All:...  
  
Aragorn: I'll go with you. You owe me twenty bucks. You have my sword.  
  
Frodo: I do?  
  
Legolas: And my bow.  
  
Frodo: Cool!  
  
Gimli: And my toenail clippers!  
  
Frodo: ??  
  
Gimli: They're deadly weapons. Why else would they be taken away by airport security?  
  
Frodo: Good point.  
  
Elrond: Take Boromir too. I want him out of my house.  
  
Sam: You weren't thinking about leaving Sam behind, were you Master Frodo?  
  
Frodo: *Looks at the sky.  
  
Sam: Master Frodo?  
  
Frodo: *Begins whistling inconspicuously.  
  
Sam wails and runs to the bathroom to cry.  
  
Rand: What's up with him?  
  
Frodo: Let's just say you don't wanna be in my place.  
  
Rand: Okeyday.  
  
Merry and Pippin: We're coming too!  
  
Frodo: Oh yay! The cool ones!  
  
Sam peers around the doorway.  
  
Sam: What is that supposed to mean?  
  
Frodo: *Whistles inconspicuously*  
  
Sam runs off, crying, etc.  
  
Arwen: I'll come because all men are brainless twits. Rest of the fellowship: .......  
  
Legolas: *whispering* What's a twit?  
  
Aragorn: *whispering* Must be some kind of pizza.  
  
Pippin: *whispering* I like pizza.  
  
Arwen: I can hear every word you say.  
  
Rest: Really?! You must have great hearing!  
  
Arwen: What do you think the big ears are for?  
  
Bilbo: I can hear you too, and I'm over a hundred and twenty.  
  
Legolas: Oops.  
  
Pippin: *whispering* Do you think they could give us some mushrooms on our pizza?  
  
Elrond: The authors can hear you, and they're not even here!  
  
Frodo: Authors?  
  
People: Get on with it!  
  
Elrond: I now pronounce ye the Fellowship of the Ring!  
  
Fellowship: Yay!!!  
  
Elrond: Everybody dance!  
  
Fellowship dances.  
  
Fellowship: Yay!!!!  
  
Rand/Boromir: What the hey is going on here?!  
  
Aragorn: Just go with the flow.  
  
Rand/Boromir: Okay. *dances* Yay!!!! 


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 In which a newcomer comes to the Dark Lord meeting, and Moirane and Lanfear join a club.  
  
Sauron: I'll never be as good as you, O Dark Lord Barney.  
  
Barney: (In a big booming voice) You have been one of my best students, Sauron. Continue in your work, and you shall be great.  
  
Random Evil Lord #35: *whispering* The Dark Lord Barney is above us all. He has brainwashed the innocent minds of children for generations!  
  
Random Evil Lord #19: *whispering* He is the greatest of us all! He's the only one that has ever defeated one of our mortal enemies!  
  
BunchaRELs: *whispering* Really? Who?!  
  
REL#19: *whispering* Let's just say Mr. Rogers didn't really die of natural causes. (cancer)  
  
All: *stare in awe and wonder at the purple dinosaur*  
  
REL #6: I hear you have a new apprentice, O Great and Terrible Barney. Is this true?  
  
Barney: *booming* It is.  
  
REL #6: Will you reveal to us their identity?  
  
Barney:*booming* Yes.  
  
REL #6: Well... Who is it?  
  
Barney: *booming* Oh sorry. I am accustomed to using small words. It works better with the children.  
  
All: *laugh evilly*  
  
Barney: *We don't really need to say that he's booming anymore, do we?* It is.......  
  
Silence.  
  
*Cricket Cricket*  
  
Barney: George W.!!!!!!  
  
*Applause*  
  
W: Iraq must be destroyed and replaced by a new theme park... Bush Gardens!  
  
*applause*  
  
W: Featuring burning wreckage and desolate wasteland.  
  
*Applause*  
  
W: And it will be the new site...  
  
*applause*  
  
W: of the...  
  
*applause*  
  
W: new...  
  
*applause*  
  
W: Shut up!  
  
*applause*  
  
The U.S. Military comes through the door and readies the ammo.  
  
W: Dark Lord Headquarters.  
  
REL #101: He really knows his stuff!!  
  
Barney: I taught him everything he knows.  
  
Meanwhile, down the hall...  
  
Moiraine: What is this place?  
  
Lanfear: I think we're lost.  
  
Moiraine: Shh! I'm thinking!  
  
Lanfear: Think about that doorway with the EXIT sign over it.  
  
Moiraine: That can't be the real exit. It's too obvious.  
  
Moiraine walks over to an old-fashioned door with the letters RIP on the front.  
  
Moiraine: Lets try this one.  
  
Lanfear: That doesn't look like a very...  
  
The door creaks open on it's rusty hinges.  
  
Lanfear: Creepy.  
  
Moiraine: *trembles*  
  
Lanfear: Aes Sedai weakling.  
  
Lanfear walks into the room, pulling Moiraine along with her. The door slams shut behind them.  
  
Moiraine: I don't think this was such a good idea.  
  
Lanfear: Well it was your idea in the first place.  
  
Suddenly, a haunting melody is heard, of the likes they had never heard. It was...  
  
Music: You ain't nothin' but a hound dog!!!!  
  
Moiraine and Lanfear: AAAAAHHHH!!!!  
  
*try to leave* *can't*  
  
Elvis: Hello there, ladies.  
  
Moiraine: W-who in the blighted lands are you?!  
  
Elvis: I am the king of rock and roll.  
  
Lanfear: Rolling? What is this new Aes Sedai craft?  
  
Moiraine: Don't look at me.  
  
Elvis: I am Elvis Presley, the one and only member of the People Who Have Died But Aren't Really Dead club, and you two are the two and only second and third members!!!  
  
Moiraine: But I'm still alive!!!  
  
Elvis: Not anymore.  
  
Lanfear: I have a feeling this club will grow a lot bigger over the course of this fanfic.  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: Shh! You're not supposed to know that!  
  
Moiraine: What's a pollo?  
  
Lanfear: Must be some new chinese dish.  
  
Sr. Davis (spanish teachar): You're getting it all wrong!  
  
Lanfear: Well you spelled teacher wrong.  
  
Sr. Davis: No, teachar is the spanish verb meaning to teach.  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: We are the all-powerful authors, and we say get on with it or else we'll be late to Gandalf's birthday party!!  
  
Lanfear: The horror.  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: Okay, this chapter is ending right... about....  
  
Now.  
  
*End Chapter* 


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 In which the authors go to Gandalf's birthday party and Frodo relives his journey to Rivendell  
  
Frodo: So how old's Gandalf turning, anyways?  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: Really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really  
  
Three hours later.  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really  
  
Frodo: Finish it up already!!!!  
  
LPDs: really really really really really really really really really old.  
  
Frodo: Thank you. *leaves room in a hurry*  
  
Elrond: Alright everyone, time to watch Gandalf open his presents!  
  
All: *chanting* Presents! Presents! Present!  
  
Elrond: Gather around, don't push or shove.  
  
Everyone sits down in a circle around Gandalf.  
  
Sr. Davis appears out of nowhere.  
  
Sr. Davis: Escuchan!  
  
Legolas: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Sr. Davis: Eschuchan is the conjugated form of escuchar, which is the spanish verb meaning to SCOOT OVER!!!!  
  
Legolas: Okay then.  
  
People scoot over an Sr. Davis joins the circle.  
  
LPD #1: Hey look, Sr. Davis is here!!  
  
LPDs: YAY!!!!  
  
LPD #1: Everybody dance!!  
  
LPDs: *dancing* YAY!!!!  
  
Elrond: Quiet down everyone! Gandalf's ready to open his presents!!  
  
Everyone: YAY!!!!  
  
Gandalf: Whose first?  
  
Legolas: Open mine first!!  
  
Gandalf: Okay.  
  
Gandalf unwraps a bottle of pink hair dye.  
  
Legolas: It's totally your color.  
  
Gandalf: I know.  
  
LPD #4: Try it on! Try it on!  
  
LPD #1: Can I borrow it after you're done?  
  
Gandalf: Sure.  
  
Gimli: Mine next!  
  
Gandalf opens up the envelope to find a coupon for one free toenail clipping.  
  
Gandalf: It's just what I've always wanted!!  
  
Dumbledore: I didn't have time to wrap mine. My owl has difficulties traveling between dimentions, and I just got your invitation this morning.  
  
Gandalf: Are you kidding? I sent those three weeks ago?!!  
  
Harry Potter: It would have gotten there sooner if Hedwig hadn't met up with that other owl...  
  
Lyra: Pan, stop being so misleading!  
  
Pan: I'm sorry Hedwig. You see, I'm not really an owl.  
  
Pan turns into a weasel, then an elephant, then back to an owl.  
  
Hedwig: WHAT!!! You led me on, Pan. You led me on.  
  
Eowyn: Atleast he wasn't cheating on you.  
  
Aragorn whistles inconspicuously and looks at the ceiling (which is strange considering the party's outside) and Eowyn and Arwen stare at each other menacingly.  
  
Gandalf looks at the coffee mug for the first time in the last half a page.  
  
Gandalf: Hey! It's the official Old Geezer's Club coffee mug!! I've been wanting this for a really long time!!  
  
LPD #2: He got an Old Geezer's coffee mug!!  
  
LPDs: YAY!!!!!  
  
LPD #3: Everybody dance!!!  
  
LPDs: YAY!!!!!  
  
Rand/Boromir: I made up a new word for you... Hopskippery!!  
  
Gandalf: What kind of a word is that?!!  
  
Rand/Boromir: It's a word used to describe transdimentional traveling. i.e., I have done a lot of hopskippering lately.  
  
Gandalf: Why would you make up a word like that?  
  
Rand/Boromir: Don't ask.  
  
Frodo runs through the door carrying two packages.  
  
Frodo: I got your presents! Open the big one first!!  
  
Gandalf opens the big one.  
  
Gandalf: It's... a box of Depends!!!  
  
Dumbledore: Hey, that's the brand I use!!  
  
Gandalf: We can be, like, twins!!!  
  
Aragorn: Does it come with that wierd blue stuff they test it with on T.V.?  
  
Gandalf: Let's see.  
  
Gandalf rips open the box and old man diapers fly all over the place.  
  
All: Yay!!! Party favors!!!!  
  
Gandalf: Uh... fine, keep them. Those can be your party favors since I was too cheap to buy you your own.  
  
Frodo: Open the small one!!!  
  
Gandalf opens the small one.  
  
Gandalf: It's... the one ring!!  
  
Merry: The one ring!!  
  
Rand/Boromir: The one ring?  
  
Frodo: It's only a model.  
  
Gandalf: Shh!  
  
Legolas: Lets put it on this table for safe keeping and not watch it while Gandalf opens his presents.  
  
Gandalf: Okay. Who's next?  
  
LPD #4: Open our presents!!  
  
Other LPDs: Yes! Open them!!!  
  
Gandalf reaches for the smaller package.  
  
LPD #3: No, the big one!! The big one!!  
  
Merry: That line sounds vaguely familliar.  
  
Gandalf: Sheesh.  
  
Gandalf opens the large package.  
  
Gandalf: It's... A chicken?  
  
LPD #2: A naked chicken!!!  
  
LPD #3: Open the next one!!  
  
Gandalf opens the next one.  
  
Gandalf: Wow, it's... a paper bag?  
  
LPD #1: Not just any paper bag! It's the magical brown paper lunch bag of ideas!!!  
  
Gandalf: Just what I've always wanted *wink wink nudge nudge*  
  
LPD #4: But do you know what it does?  
  
Gandalf: Do I really want to know?  
  
LPDs: Yes.  
  
Pippin: Hey, you didn't use exclamation points after that word!  
  
LPD #3: *gasp!* You're right! We didn't!! We have to make up for it!!!  
  
LPD #2: Anyways! Anytime! You! Feel! The! Story! Needs! To! Be! Spiced! Up!  
  
Gandalf: Enough already!!  
  
LPD #2: Fine. If you want things to get interesting, just pull a random idea out of the bag!  
  
LPD #3: It's brilliant, I tell you, brilliantology!! Ithought of it myself! (along with a few of my alter egos)  
  
Gandalf: Okay...  
  
Gandalf pulls out an idea. And reads:  
  
"Dexter, Jimmy Newtron, and the Professor walk through the door."  
  
Dexter, Jimmy Newtron, and the Professor walk through the door.  
  
Gandalf: Wierd.  
  
LPDs #1+#4: See!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dexter: We have come to give Mr. Gandalf a birthday present.  
  
Jimmy Newtron: Yeah, it's really cool. You press the button and...  
  
Dexter: Let me do the speaking.  
  
Professor: I am the oldest, therefore I shall spake.  
  
Gandalf: Just give me the present.  
  
Gandalf rips off the wrapping paper.  
  
Gandalf: It's a... It's a...  
  
Jimmy Newtron: To be precise, it's a time machine.  
  
Silence.  
  
*cricket cricket*  
  
Sr. Davis: Want to open my present?  
  
Gandalf: Sure!!  
  
Gandalf opens the llama shaped package.  
  
Gandalf: It's a... It's a...  
  
LPDs: A llama!! It must be a llama!!!!  
  
Sr. Davis: No, foolish children, it's a pinata!  
  
LPDs: Sr. Davis brought us a llama! Yay!!  
  
LPD #1: Everybody dance!  
  
LPDs: YAY!!!!!  
  
Gandalf: No! My llama!!  
  
Sr. Davis: Pinata! See!  
  
Sr. Davis hits the llama with a stick.  
  
Legolas: DON'T HURT IT, YOU MONSTER!!!  
  
Sr. Davis: It's an INANIMATE OBJECT!!!!  
  
All: Ohhh...  
  
Gimli: Let's hit it!  
  
Sr. Davis: Okay, but the LPDs have to go because I piled on the homework yesterday, and I know it's not done.  
  
LPD #3: Sr. Davis, how could you?!!  
  
LPD #1: Frodo, will you come here for a minute?  
  
LPD #2: Poor fool. He has no idea what's coming to him.  
  
LPD #1 looks at the ceiling at whistles inconspicuously, then grabs Frodo and runs out the door.  
  
LPD #4: I don't have to go cuz I'm not in spanish!!  
  
All: YES YOU DO!!! Stupid idiot who ate 1/4 of the cake.  
  
LPD #4: Cheepskates.  
  
LPD #5: You can't make us go! We'll do the chicken dance for you!!!  
  
LPD #2: Wait a sec... there's five of us?  
  
LPD #3: Weird.  
  
LPD #4: Yes. Creepy.  
  
LPD #5: Hwaa hwaa hwaa!!!  
  
LPD #2: AHHH!!! It's the Phantom of an Author!!!!  
  
Elrond: Enough! Out!!!  
  
LPDs: Ohh...  
  
LPDs leave.  
  
Aragorn: Now lets play with the pinata!  
  
Sr. Davis: Finally.  
  
Frodo returns from his conversation with #1- miraculously alive and unscarred.  
  
They all start whacking the pinata with a stick.  
  
Merry: Hey, I can't reach!  
  
Hobbits: Neither can we.  
  
Frodo: Let's go play with the time machine!  
  
Pippin: Sounds like fun!!  
  
The three hobbits go over to the time machine and Sam comes stalking behind.  
  
Frodo: Sam?! Why are you here?!! I told Gandalf not to invite you!!!  
  
Sam: Well I was painting the fence and I found this invitation lying in the bushes.  
  
Merry: So where do you want to go?  
  
Pippin: Who cares? Let's press the button!!  
  
Aragorn: Stupid hobbits! You're being as silly as you were at Weathertop--  
  
Pippin presses the button.  
  
*End Chapter*  
  
Reader #1: Don't you hate it when they do that to you?  
  
Reader #2: Yes. Damn those suspenseful cutoffs!!!  
  
LPD #4: Watch your language, inferior!!  
  
LPD: #1: Don't worry, they'll be back in Chapter -6.  
  
LPD #3: Stop it!! They'll find out soon enough.  
  
LPD #2: Yes. Let us end the chapter.  
  
LPD #5: I thought we already did.  
  
LPDs: AHHHH!!! IT'S THE PHANTOM OF AN AUTHOR!!! *run away*  
  
*End Chapter*  
  
*And we mean it this time* 


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 In which Boromir meets a dead madman, his three girlfriends, and him and Mat meet their new destinies.  
  
While our friends were having fun at Gandalf's birthday pary, Boromir was sitting in a palace with no idea of what he did the night before- or for that matter, the whole of his life.  
  
Boromir: Who am I?  
  
Voice inside his head: Ilyena! Ilyena! I killed you!!  
  
Boromir: Okay, so I'm Ilyena?  
  
Voice: No! You're just a voice inside my head!!  
  
Boromir gets very confused.  
  
Boromir/Ilyena: But I'm Ilyena, right?  
  
Egwene: No, you woolhead, you're Rand Al'Thor.  
  
Boromir/Ilyena: But, I'm Ilyena! The voice inside my head that thinks I'm a voice inside his head said so!  
  
Egwene: Don't go insane on us yet, Rand!  
  
Boromir/Rand: I'm afraid it's too late.  
  
Elayne, Min , and Avienda walk through the door.  
  
Egwene: Rand doesn't remember who he is.  
  
Min: Well we'll just have to fill him in.  
  
Aviendha: You're in love with me.  
  
Elayne: And me.  
  
Min: And me.  
  
Boromir/Rand: Is that legal?  
  
Elayne: You're the one that makes up the laws.  
  
Boromir/Rand: ...Cool! *heh heh heh*  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Mat wakes up in a tiny room under the stairs.  
  
Mat: Where in the Blighted Lands am I?  
  
Mat is knocked against the wall by the sound waves coming from the other side of the door.  
  
Voice: Wake up, boy!!!  
  
Mat: I'm not a boy, I'm a man!!!  
  
Voice: I don't care what you are! Get up and make breakfast!!  
  
Mat: But I don't know how to cook!  
  
Voice: Stop fooling around, lazy boy! Get up!!  
  
Mat: I'm coming, I'm coming!!!  
  
Mat gets up to find a fat man, a skinny lady, and a fat boy sitting around a table banging their forks and chanting "Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!"  
  
Mat: Okay... where's the chicken?  
  
People: *silence*  
  
Skinny Lady: Who are you, and what have you done with our slave?!  
  
Fat Man: Don't say that! The government will come and take him away!!  
  
Fat Boy: I'm hungry! Give me eggs!!!  
  
Mat opens a large white box and sees a bunch of eggs.  
  
Mat: Wow! You found a way to trap winter inside a box!!!  
  
People: ...  
  
Mat takes out the eggs and puts them on a plate.  
  
Mat: Uh, where's the fire? Or do you people just eat them raw?  
  
Fat Man: Put them in the microwave, boy!!  
  
Mat: What kind of wave?  
  
Skinny Lady: The one you're standing by!!  
  
Mat: Ahah.  
  
Mat, trying not to make a fool of himself, puts the eggs into the smaller black box and presses a few buttons.  
  
8 minutes later...  
  
Sound: *BOOM!*  
  
Fat Boy: Ma, Harry made the eggs explode again!!  
  
Mat: Harry?  
  
Fat Man: I warned you, Harry, none of this funny magic business!!  
  
Mat/Harry: What? I can't used the one power!  
  
They all get confused.  
  
A crash is heard.  
  
Voice #1: I knew we shouldn't have let Ron drive!  
  
Voice #2 (which is identical to Voice #1): It was your idea in the first place!!  
  
Voice #3 (which is small): Ow! Get off of me, George! I'll go get Harry.  
  
Mat/Harry: I'll take that as my cue to leave.  
  
Mat/Harry leaves. He walks out onto the driveway to find a carload of redheads stuck in the bushes.  
  
Voice #3 (now known as red-haired girl): Oh Harry, you've gotten so much more handsome over the summer! But where did you get those battle scars?  
  
Mat/Harry: You wouldn't understand.  
  
Red-Haired Girl: Nevermind them. Throw your stuff in the trunk.  
  
Mat/Harry: And where are we going?  
  
Voice #4 (assumingly Ron): Oh come on, Harry, don't tell me you've forgotten about Hogwarts.  
  
Voice #1 or #2 (can't tell which): Come on, Harry, you'll make us late!  
  
Mat/Harry: Okay, I'll go get my stuff.  
  
Mat/Harry walks into the room under the stairs and finds two large bags and a white owl neatly sitting in the corner.  
  
Mat/Harry: Wow. I've always wanted a bird.  
  
Mat/Harry picks up the owl and the bags and returns to the distressed carload of redheads.  
  
Ron: Come on, Harry. We're running late!  
  
Mat/Harry stuffs his stuff into the trunk and then attempts to stuff himself into the car.  
  
Voice #1/#2: Geez, Harry, we didn't count on you growing so much over the summer.  
  
Mat/Harry: Neither did I.  
  
The car jerks to a start and suddenly flies up into the sky, with Mat/Harry still trying to figure out how to get the rest of his full-grown-supposed-to-be-boyish body inside.  
  
Red-Haired Girl: I can't believe you and Ron are going to be in your fifth year this year.  
  
Mat/Harry: My fifth year where?  
  
Voice #1: Have you suddenly gone daft?  
  
Voice #2: Or were you hit by one of those memory charms I told you to give Dudley?  
  
Mat/Harry: So that's the fat boy's name...  
  
Ron: Oh no, we're doomed! Who's going to beat Lord Voldemort this book?  
  
Red-Haired Girl: The author hasn't finished writing it yet, silly. We don't know!  
  
Mat/Harry: Oh don't worry. I've dealt with darkfriends and the like before.  
  
Ron: Darkfriend? He's certainly dark, but he's not a friend.  
  
Mat/Harry: Forget everything I just said.  
  
Voice #1: You'll have to come up with a more creative spell than that, Harry.  
  
Voice #2: And it would help if you had your wand.  
  
Mat/Harry: Yes. I suppose it would. Is a wand somewhat like an angreal?  
  
Ron: Oh no, he must be possessed too!  
  
Mat/Harry gets utterly confuzzled.  
  
And the *Chapter End*s. 


	7. Chapter negative 6

Chapter -6  
In which Frodo and co. relive their experiences at Weathertop.  
  
The four hobbits, with a flash of burning light, find themselves at. well, they don't really know where they are, because they have been blinded.  
  
Frodo: AH! My eyes!!  
  
Pippin: Look at all the pretty colors!  
  
Then the blindness wore away.  
  
Merry: This place seems vaguely familiar.  
  
Frodo: I don't like it here, but I don't know why. Sam, do you have anything to do with the sharp, stabbing sensation in my shoulder?  
  
Sam: I don't believe so, Mr. Frodo.  
  
Frodo: I bet you did, you sneaky little porcupine!!  
  
Sam: What'd I ever do to you?!  
  
Sam runs off into the wilderness, crying like a baby.  
  
Frodo: What a wuss.  
  
A little while later. . .  
  
Pippin: I'm bored.  
  
Merry: Me too.  
  
Pippin: Let's go find Sam and make fun of him!  
  
Frodo: Now that sounds like my idea of fun!!  
  
Meanwhile. . .  
  
Sam sings a silly song: Ozone Excavation, Mr. Ozone Excavation, That should've been my denomination, Mr. Ozone Excavation Cuz you can look right through me, Totally ignore me, And never know that I'm there. Never *clash* even *clash* KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!. i'm there.  
  
*Authors' note: Hey, it rhymes!!  
  
Voice in the shadows: You're an outcast from society too?  
  
Sam: *gasp!* I've finally found someone I can identify with!!!  
  
Romantic SIMs music comes on.  
  
The figure steps into the light.  
  
Sam: Oh my. you're so beautiful! You look just like me!!!  
  
Sam from the Past: That's because I am you, lova!  
  
FutureSam bursts into song: I've got a friend in me. I've got a friend in me. If I have troubles now. . . he'll get them too! Cuz I've got a friend in me. Yes I've got a friend in me!!!  
  
It was love at first sight. From then on, they ate together, they bathed together, they even shared the same piece of mint flavored dental floss. Life was their burrito. Until, late one night. . .  
  
PastSam: Sweetie pumpkin, can we both have loyalties to Frodo Baggins?  
  
And FutureSam said: Whoa! Hold on there, baby! Mr. Frodo's not ready for that kind of commitment!!!  
  
So they broke up and never saw each other again, but that's just the way things go.  
  
In MI - I - I - I - DLE ER - EARTH!!!!!!!!!! In MI - I - I - I - DLE ER - EARTH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Anyways. . .  
  
Pippin: Oh Samwise, what a big nose you have!  
  
Frodo: (impersonating Sam) All the better to blow snot on you, my dear.  
  
Merry: Oh Samwise, what a big rear you have!  
  
Frodo: All the better to. . .  
  
LPD #4: Now that's just gross!!  
  
LPD #2: Keep it clean, boys, keep it clean.  
  
Merry: How long have we been walking aimlessly in these woods, anyway?  
  
Frodo: 'bout two hours.  
  
Suddenly, the sound of a stampeding buffalo is heard.  
  
Pippin: AHHH!! IT'S A STAMPEDING BUFFALO!!!!  
  
Frodo: Naw, it's just Sam.  
  
Pippin: How do you know?  
  
Frodo: . . .  
  
Merry: Well?  
  
Frodo: . . . I promised I'd keep it clean.  
  
Pippin: Ah.  
  
Sam comes crashing through the trees making distressed buffalo noises.  
  
Sam: WAAAHHHH *grunt grunt* WAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Frodo: Hello Sam.  
  
Sam: My life is ruined, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!  
  
Frodo: Finally! My life-long goal is accomplished!!  
  
Merry, Pippin, and Frodo give each other high fives.  
  
Sam: *sniff* *whimper* *grunt grunt*  
  
Frodo: What's that I smell? I think it's. . .  
  
Sam: Tomatoes!  
  
Merry: Sausages!  
  
Pippin: Nice crispy bacon!  
  
Merry: That line sounds vaguely familiar.  
  
Cut to scene in office building.  
  
LPD #3: We are now going to examine the effects of de-ja-vu.  
  
The telephone rings.  
  
LPD #3: Hello? No thanks. I'll call you back. Bye.  
  
LPD #2, dressed in a tuxedo, walks in and sets a glass of water on #3's desk.  
  
Blackout.  
  
LPD #3 is sitting at a desk.  
  
LPD #3: We are now going to examine the effects of de-ja-vu.  
  
Phone rings.  
  
LPD #3: Hello? No. Goodbye.  
  
#2 come in and gives #3 a glass of water.  
  
Blackout.  
  
#3 sitting at a desk.  
  
LPD #3: We are now going to-  
  
*ring*  
  
LPD #3: AHH!!! Go away!!!!!  
  
*water*  
  
LPD #3: GAH!!!!! I can't take it anymore! I quit! No more de-ja-vu for me!!!!!  
  
Frodo and LPD #1 peek in.  
  
LPD #1: Is this room taken? All the Motel 6's were full.  
  
LPD #3: Don't go in there, #1! That room's possessed!!! *runs away*  
  
LPD #4: And now, back to our feature presentation. 


	8. Chapter negative 5

Chapter -5  
In which we return to our feature presentation.  
  
The four (future) hobbits are sitting around a campfire eating the tomatoes, sausages, and nice crispy bacon they found on the side of a tall hill with strange ruins on top.  
  
Frodo: Sam, go get firewood.  
  
Sam: *mutter mutter* *but gets up anyway*  
  
Pippin: Why aren't we roasting marshmallows?  
  
Merry: Eeww! That would make us cannibals!!  
  
Pippin: . . .?  
  
Merry: Whoops, wrong fanfic.  
  
Sam comes back empty handed.  
  
Frodo: Sam, I told you to go get firewood!!  
  
Sam: You did?  
  
Frodo: Yes, I did. Now scat!  
  
Sam: Doo, bop, doo-we-doo-we-doo wop!  
  
Frodo: No, stupid, not that kind of scat. Scat as in GO AWAY!!!!  
  
Sam: Anything for you, Mister Frodo. Without you, my life would be empty!  
  
Merry: Now that was a surprising change of mind.  
  
Pippin: I didn't know Sam suffered from mood swings.  
  
Five seconds later. . .  
  
Sam: I got your lousy firewood, mister Frodo.  
  
Pippin: That was fast.  
  
Sam: It was?  
  
Merry: Do you mean the firewood or that second mood swing?  
  
Sam: Mood swing?  
  
Sam: Mood swing?  
  
Frodo: Dar?! There's. . . there's two of you?! IT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!  
  
Samwises: What's that supposed to mean?!  
  
Frodo is frozen in fear.  
  
PastSamwise: Wait a sec, didn't I just see you three over by that other campfire?  
  
Hobbits: . . . . . .  
  
Hobbits from the past jump out from the bushes.  
  
PastMerry: Back you devils!!  
  
FutureSam: Hey, that was my line!  
  
PastMerry: Hence the was.  
  
They all stop and stare at themselves.  
  
FutureFrodo: Oh. . .my. . .  
  
FutureMerry: That is the most hideous thing I have ever seen!  
  
FuturePippin: AHH!! My eyes! My eyes are burning!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!  
  
PastHobbits: We could say the same for you.  
  
FutureMerry: So. . . what are we going to do?  
  
PastMerry: Go look in a mirror, that's what you should do.  
  
Silence.  
  
*cricket cricket*  
  
All: . . . . . . .Let's play pictionary!!!  
  
They dig up some chalk-rocks and gather around a flat part of the ruins.  
  
Future Merry is the first up. He draws a card and begins scratching out a smiling stick person with a shadow and a candle with a flame, drawing arrows pointing to the shadow and the fire.  
  
FutureFrodo: Ooooo, this one's a toughy.  
  
PastHobbits: What the heck is that supposed to be? Shadows can't catch on fire!!  
  
FuturePip: Wait. . . it's coming to me the answer is becoming clear. . .  
  
PastMerry: Give us a better hint.  
  
FutureMerry crosses out the candle and draws a flaming Christmas wreath around the shadow.  
  
FutureFrodo: Oo oo!!! I know it! I know it!!! Shadow wreathed in flame. . .  
  
FuturePip: It's a balrog! I knew it all along!!!  
  
FutureFrodo: But doesn't it have wings?  
  
PastHobbits: What in Middle Earth is a balrog?!  
  
FutureHobbits: We have no idea. The elf minstrels got the Balrog Song stuck in our head.  
  
My Balrog is as dainty as a swallow, Its figure is something to applaud, Where it's narrow, it's narrow as a whale, And it's broad, Where all Balrogs abroad, Should be, BROAAAAAD!!!!!!!!  
  
A hundred and one, tons of fun, That's my little Balrog hun! How I love to play his Balrog game. I'm thinking about, sweetie pie, Only sixteen meters high. Every inch is wreathed with shadow and flame.  
  
Its hair is burning, burning, Its wings are churning, churning, Its whips are whipped, without a twist, Twirling and whirling!  
  
PastHobbits: NOO!!! Now it's stuck in our head too!!!!  
  
FutureHobbits: WHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
PastHobbits: This is no fun. Let's play a different game.  
  
*Silence*  
  
*cricket cricket*  
  
All:. . . . . .Let's do role playing!!!!  
  
They all begin scratching out different types of beings into some of the smaller rocks. They then throw them into a hole.  
  
PastSam: I don't wanna play with you, you traitor!!!!  
  
FutureSam: Well I don't wanna play with you, either!!!!!!  
  
FutureMerry: Let's split up into teams, Past and Future. Then we can all be enemies.  
  
Samwises: Sounds like a good idea to me!!!!  
  
Each team draws out one rock.  
  
PastHobbits: Hmmm. . . we got. . . frightened beyond wetting our pants!!!!  
  
FutureHobbits: And we have to be. . . frightening beyond words!!!!  
  
PastHobbits: AAAAAHHH!!!!!  
  
FutureHobbits: GRRR!!!  
  
FutureSam: MEOW!!!  
  
OtherHobbits: . . . . . .  
  
FutureSam: Hey, in the right circumstances they can be very scary!  
  
And so the fun and games quickly changed into an all-out chase scene, complete with music and French fried potatoes. Future Merry, Frodo and Sam all find big sticks while Pippin grabs a marshmallow toasting fork.  
  
FuturePippin: Whahahaha! I know advanced stick cookery!  
  
FutureFrodo: Let's put on these black cloaks for a more dramatic effect!  
  
*put on black cloaks*  
  
The hobbits began chasing themselves around the hill until finally, they reach the top.  
  
FutureFrodo: We've got you now, pitiful losers!  
  
PastFrodo: Waaaaaahh! Have mercy upon me!  
  
This continues until the Future hobbits have the Past hobbits trapped in a corner.  
  
PastMerry: Are you sure you're not taking this too far, FutureMerry?  
  
FutureMerry: I am not Future Merry!  
  
PastMerry: Then who are you?  
  
FutureMerry: I am your WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!  
  
PastMerry: No! It cannot be! Not the ladybugs!! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!!!!  
  
YourWorstNightmare: WHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Future Pippin advances with his toasting stick, which is now glowing red hot.  
  
FuturePippin: Hehehe. . .  
  
PastSam: Um, are you sure we're not allowed to wet our pants?  
  
PastPippin: No, remember? "Frightened beyond wetting your pants." You gotta follow what the rock said.  
  
PastSam: I'll try. . .  
  
PastMerry: Hey, you guys look strangely similar to the five nazgul that were chasing us earlier!  
  
FutureHobbits: There are five of us?!!!!!  
  
The "5th Nazgul" begins to point a long, pointy knife at Future Frodo.  
  
PastFrodo: Hey, I thought you guys were on the same team!!  
  
FutureFrodo: I think that changed.  
  
FuturePippin: Oh well. Feel the wrath of the cooking stick, infidels!!!  
  
PastSam: Ohh, I think I broke the rules. . .  
  
PastPippin: You mean you wet yourself?  
  
PastSam: I plead the 5th.  
  
YourWorstNightmare: MEOW!!!!  
  
PastSam: Ohh, I did it again. . .  
  
MysteriousOne (5th Nazgul): I have come to pass on a great burden.  
  
FutureFrodo: But I've already got one!  
  
MysteriousOne: What?  
  
FutureSam: He says he's already got one.  
  
FutureFrodo (with bad French accent): Yes, it's, ah, very nice.  
  
MysteriousOne: Well, can I have a look?  
  
FutureFrodo: (w/french accent): No, you filthy k-nazgul! I fart in your general direction! We don't want none of you fancy burdenful types. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Samwises! I wave my. . .  
  
Two hours later. . .  
  
FutureFrodo: May you contract a foul disease of the genitals that can only be treated with lye and sandpaper!  
  
MysteriousOne: Are you done yet?  
  
FutureFrodo: Yes. Now go, or else I shall taunt you a second time.  
  
MysteriousOne: Erghh. . .  
  
FutureFrodo: You poopy-panted son of toucans! You don't got no. . .  
  
The sound of the first two fingers on a hobbit's left hand is heard.  
  
MysteriousOne: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of this knife!  
  
FutureFrodo: NOOOO!! Now I have three great burdens!!!  
  
FutureSam: What's the third?  
  
FutureFrodo: I'm talking to it.  
  
FutureSam: . . .  
  
MysteriousOne: Well, I'll let you get acquainted with the subtle knife.  
  
They all stare at Frodo's two fingers, which are wriggling on the ground.  
  
FuturePippin: Subtle?! Does THAT look very SUBTLE to you?!!!!!  
  
FutureFrodo: It's just a flesh wound.  
  
MysteriousOne: You'll get used to it. Oh, and by the way, the name's Will.  
  
FutureFrodo: Thanks for the cool knife, Will!!!  
  
Will: No problem. I have to be going now. My girlfriend has very strict rules on cutting off other people's appendages.  
  
FutureFrodo: Oh, okay. Bye Will! Thanks again!  
  
Will: Bye!!!  
  
YourWorstNightmare: Now where were we?  
  
FuturePippin: Oh yeah! The evil toasting fork!! RAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!  
  
Suddenly, a strange shrieking sound is heard.  
  
PastFrodo: AIEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
FuturePippin: Oh, I'm sorry! Are you okay?  
  
PastFrodo: Do I look okay?! I'VE GOT A RED HOT TOASTING FORK STUCK IN MY SHOULDER!!!!!!  
  
FuturePippin: Here, let me help you get that out.  
  
PastFrodo: Don't you even. . .  
  
The sound of a disintegrating toasting fork is heard.  
  
PastMerry: What da-  
  
PastSam: Oh Mr. Frodo! Your blood must have so much hydro-chloric acid in it!!  
  
YourWorstNightmare: You must have a pH level of, like, one!!!  
  
PastFrodo: Is that bad?  
  
YourWorstNightmare: Yes.  
  
Aragorn comes running up.  
  
Aragorn: Dar? There's eight of you?!! It's my worst nightmare!!!!!  
  
YourWorstNightmare: Hey, I'm Your Worst Nightmare!!!  
  
FutureFrodo: Future Pippin stabbed Past Frodo with a toasting fork.  
  
PastPippin: Is he going to die?  
  
Aragorn: This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs elvish medicine. We make for Rivendell.  
  
PastMerry: But Rivendell's nine days away!! He'll never make it!!!  
  
PastFrodo: Will you stop talking about me in third person?!!!!  
  
Aragorn: Sorry. You're usually unconscious during this part of the story.  
  
Suddenly, a shining white thing appears.  
  
Aragorn: Arwen! You're here early!  
  
ShiningWhiteThing: The way back will appear but once. Be steadfast.  
  
Aragorn: Whatever you say, doll.  
  
Aragorn attempts to embrace the white thing and gets flung back.  
  
Aragorn: Aw, is this about last night?  
  
ShiningWhiteThing: The way back will appear but once. Be steadfast.  
  
FuturePippin: Hey, that looks like our way back.  
  
VoicefromWhiteDoorway: DON'T HURT IT, YOU MONSTER!!!!!!  
  
YourWorstNightmare: Hey, that's Legolas! He's getting mad at Sr. Davis for hurting the pinata!  
  
FuturePippin: Let's go back!!!  
  
FutureFrodo: NOOOO!!!!  
  
FuturePippin: Why not?  
  
FutureFrodo: I never got to see what happened at this part!!!!  
  
YourWorstNightmare: Oh that's right! You were too busy hiccuping!!  
  
FutureFrodo: Nasty things, those hiccups.  
  
The Samwises are looking shyly at each other.  
  
PastSam: Um, uh, I don't know how to say this, but. . .  
  
FutureSam: I don't really know how either. . .  
  
Silence.  
  
*cricket cricket*  
  
Samwises: I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!  
  
Samwises embrace.  
  
Samwises: WAAAAHHH *grunt grunt* WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
FutureSam: I don't wanna *grunt* leave you!!!!  
  
PastSam: Neither *grunt* do I!!!!  
  
FutureFrodo: I wanna leave you. Come on, guys, let's go!!!  
  
YourWorstNightmare: But I thought you wanted to see what happened!!  
  
FutureFrodo: Hmm. . . Life without Sam. . . Life with two Sams. . . LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!  
  
FuturePippin: It's safe to go now.  
  
YourWorstNightmare: Was it ever not safe?  
  
FuturePippin: Well, the LPDs just left.  
  
YourWorstNightmare: Ah.  
  
FutureSam: WAAAAAHHHH!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!!!!  
  
FutureFrodo: Oh stop with the dramatization, Sam. It's a goodbye scene, not a death scene, for crying out loud!!  
  
FuturePippin: Come on, let's go!!!  
  
PastMerry: Hey, we don't want him either!!!!  
  
Past Merry, Past Pippin, and Past Frodo (it took all three) throw FutureSam through the closing doorway.  
  
VoicesOnTheOtherSide: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
*End of Chapter*  
  
LPD #4: Finally.  
  
LPD #1: That certainly took long enough. 


	9. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 In which we finally finish up Gandalf's birthday party. Well, maybe. We can  
dream, can't we?  
  
The party goers face their formidable foe. With a seemingly innocent expression, it looks them in the eye, not once giving way, not to anyone. Some of the elf lords were beginning to feel distraught; this may be the first time in their long lives they fail to defeat their enemy. Some were even toying with thoughts of surrender.  
  
Gimli: STUPID PINATA!!!!!!!  
  
*thwack*  
  
Rand: Bow down to the might of the Dragon Reborn!!  
  
*thwack*  
  
Gandalf: It's my party, so you have to do what I say!!!  
  
*twack*  
  
Squill: @#%&!  
  
*thwack*  
  
Giant Baby: Play with me, or I'll break your arm!  
  
*thwack*  
  
But the pinata yields to no man.  
  
Arwen: Brainless twits.  
  
Arwen slices the pinata's head off with her fingernails.  
  
Candy flies everywhere.  
  
The hobbits suddenly return (what perfect timing!)  
  
Hobbits: CANDY!!!!!! GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone starts scooping up handfuls of candy and shoving them into their mouths without bothering to take off the wrappers (this induces much pain in the digestive system later on).  
  
All, that is, except for Legolas.  
  
Legolas: YOU MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Legolas snatches up the pinata (both head and torso) and runs off wailing into the wilderness.  
  
Legolas (slowly dwindling away): It's okay, Llama!!!! I'll save you from those evil monsters!! Oh Llama, I'll never let you out of my sight again!!!!  
  
Meanwhile, out by the back fence.  
  
Gollum: Why did the nasssty fat hobbit have to paint the fence this time? Leaves a bad aftertaste, *gollum golllum*  
  
*Sound of paint chips being eaten is heard*  
  
Legolas comes running past.  
  
Legolas: Don't worry, Llama!! I'll make it all- Whoa!!!! So that's how you got so ugly!!!  
  
Gollum: Smeagol is not ugly, tricksy elf!! Paint chips add to Smeagol's beauty!! *gollum*  
  
Legolas: Whatever.  
  
Gollum: They stoles it, they stoles it from us! My precious!!  
  
Legolas: You mean the One Ring?  
  
Gollum: What dids it say?!!!!  
  
Legolas: Stop calling me it and use the correct verb forms and I'll tell you.  
  
Gollum: Where. . . is. . . my. . . PRECIOUS?!?!?!?!!!!  
  
Legolas: I think there's one on the kitchen table.  
  
Gollum: Thank you very much.  
  
Legolas: No problemo, dude.  
  
Legolas sits down with a roll of duct tape and promptly begins repairing his new friend.  
  
Meanwhile, Gollum scampers off on all fours towards Elrond's house. He looks through the window onto the kitchen table, and Behold! There is a ring!  
  
Gollum: What could be the reasons? Why would the small unlucky one leave it on the tableses? Why doesn't the fat one make him put it away? We can walk right up and takes it! And when we do. We will go far far away. . . away from that stupid depressing soundtrack that makes a mockery of us!!  
  
Covering his ears, Gollum continues his rambling monologue as he attempts to squeeze through the three inch crack in the window. He finally gets his head through just as he notices the door two feet to his left.  
  
Gollum: Crapses! Poopses! Curses! Poopses again! How did we get ourselves into this one?!  
  
Gollum promptly starts arguing with himself as the four Pollos Desnudos come walking up the path. #1 is discussing with #4 a very serious matter. . .  
  
LPD #1: I'm telling you, it's not funny! I hate him! I'm scared to death of him and I don't know why!!!  
  
LPD #4: Tell me about your mother.  
  
LPD #1: . . . . . .  
  
LPD #4: You've really got to get over this! You get halfway there, and then relapse! It's not like he's stalking you!  
  
LPD #2: What's that thing in the window?  
  
LPD #3: It's very ugly! What do you think it's doing there?  
  
Others: . . . . . .  
  
LPD #3: Didn't we promise to keep it clean?  
  
LPD #4: *cough cough* anyway. . . oh my gosh! Isn't that #2's great uncle?  
  
LPD #2: No, he's dead. . .  
  
LPD #1: OMG!!! IT'S HIM!!!! I told you!!! I told you all!!! HE'S STALKING ME, I TELL YOU!!!! STALKING ME!!!!!!!  
  
LPD #2: Who, Uncle Barney?  
  
LPD #4: Oh my gosh, you're right! It is Gollum!! This goes against everything I've ever learned!!  
  
LPD #1: Don't let him get me, Meg!!!  
  
LPD #3: I have a name?  
  
LPD #1: Oh, sorry. Don't let him get me, #3!!!  
  
Gollum: Get my headses out of the internal trapses with the pretty posies on the windowsills, precious!!  
  
LPD #4: He's got more than one head?  
  
LPD #2: He called you precious? He really is stalking you!!!!  
  
LPD #1: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
LPD #3: *poke*  
  
LPD #4: Eewww! Don't touch it!  
  
LPD #2: You don't know where that thing's been!  
  
#1 is still freaking out and begins hyperventilating.  
  
LPD #1: *stops suddenly* Hey. . . we could have some fun with this.  
  
LPD #3: You're right!  
  
LPD #2: Well, this is a party! Who wants to play Pin the Hair on the Bald Spot?!!!  
  
Gollum: CURSES!!! STUPID, STINKY, NASSSSTY IDIOTSES!!!! NOW WE'LL HAVE HAIRSES IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Join us next time for lots of hairy fun! 


	10. Chapter 6 and a half

Chapter 6 ½  
In which the fun and games begin.  
  
LPD #4: Okay, who's up first for pin the hair in all the bald spot?!  
  
Glorfindel: Oo, me, me!  
  
Gollum: NOOOO!!! We spent days, yearses polishing that spot!  
  
LPD #3: What's you use, shoe polish?  
  
Gollum: YES!! We used much of our food supply on it, we dids!  
  
LPD #2: Paint chips and shoe polish. . . that certainly explains a lot.  
  
LPD #3: Come right this way, Mr. Glorfindel. You ready, Taz?  
  
Tasmanian Devil: RARGH!  
  
Glorfindel: Wha. . . Why is he here?  
  
LPD #2: Watch and learn.  
  
Taz picks up Glorfindel and sets him on his shoulders.  
  
Glorfindel: Oh no you don't-  
  
*WHIRRIRRRRIRRRRR!!!!*  
  
Glorfindel is now very dizzy.  
  
Glorfindel: Ohh. . .  
  
LPD #1 positions him so he is facing Gollum's bald spot.  
  
LPD #4: There you go. Now walk!  
  
Glorfindel takes one step and falls flat on his face. He then gets up, staggers forward, and wanders out the door.  
  
LPD #2: Should we get him back? He might sue.  
  
LPD #3: Naw, he'll never get the support. Not to mention he can't afford a lawyer.  
  
LPD #1: Okay, Taz. You gotta go man, we're losing too many customers.  
  
Taz: OK.  
  
Taz spins off into the sunset, which is pretty weird considering it's 11 o'clock in the morning.  
  
LPD #1: Who's next?  
  
LPD #2: You.  
  
LPD #1: WHAT?!!!!! LPD #4: You must overcome your fear, or else the Guru Llama shall perish, and all shall come to an end.  
  
LPD #1: All right, all right. But can I do it without the blindfold? I don't wanna turn my back on him.  
  
LPD #4: Oh, okay.  
  
LPD #1: Will you hold my hand?  
  
LPD #4: Fine. But remember, I'm only doing this because I'm your psychiatrist.  
  
LPD #1: Okay. Ready?  
  
All: Ready! GO!!  
  
LPD #1: *poke* you're right, #3! He is squishy!!!  
  
*poke poke poke poke*  
  
LPD #4: eeeww.  
  
LPD #2: Okay, okay, now it's MY turn!!  
  
LPD #1 and #3 continue to poke Gollum.  
  
Gandalf: Wait a minute. . . didn't Sr. Davis kick them out?  
  
LPD #3: Uh oh.  
  
LPD #1: Quick! LOOK!! A DISTRACTION!!!!  
  
All: Where?!!!!!  
  
Everyone turns around.  
  
Pippin: What's a distraction?  
  
Merry: I don't know, but we could probably sell it to buy fireworks and. . . other good stuff!  
  
LPD #2: I've got it!!  
  
Pippin: What, the distraction?  
  
LPD #2: No. Charades!!  
  
Pippin is looking disappointed.  
  
LPD #4: Everyone knows how to play charades!  
  
Gollum: Can our headses come out of the windows now?  
  
But everyone had gone inside. Except for Pippin and Merry. They help him out, and they walk through the door two feet to the left.  
  
Pippin: By the way, you haven't seen a distraction, have you?  
  
Gollum realizes he needs to get rid of them. Fast.  
  
Gollum: Uh, yeah! We saw one. . . over there! Far away. Very far away.  
  
Pippin and Merry run off into the woods to look for the distraction. Sam follows on a long leash, making buffalo noises in an effort to distract it.  
  
Meanwhile, back inside. . .  
  
Everyone was about to play charades.  
  
Future Frodo: Let's not play in teams this time.  
  
LPD #2: Why?  
  
Past Frodo: Long story.  
  
Aragorn: Hey ringbearer, I didn't know you had a twin.  
  
Frodos: . . .  
  
LPD #3: Let's just play. 


	11. Something Completely Different!

And Now For Something Completely Different!  
  
A man is sitting on the couch in front of the TV when a woman walks in.  
  
Marsha: John, we need to talk.  
  
John: Hold on, honey, they're on the 9th inning.  
  
Marsha takes the remote out of John's hands and turns off the television.  
  
Marsha: This is important, John. We need to learn to communicate with each other. For the sake of our children, please, John! We need to learn to work together!  
  
John slowly stands up to face his wife, his eyes glistening with tears.  
  
John: You're right, Marsha! How could I have been so blind?  
  
Sobbing, Marsha runs forward to embrace her husband.  
  
Marsha: Oh John, I love you so!  
  
A teenage boy comes through the door, drops his backpack on the floor, and sits down at the table with his head in his arms.  
  
Marsha: Is anything wrong, Bobby?  
  
After a pause, Bobby answers.  
  
Bobby: Mom, Dad, I need your advice on something.  
  
John: What is it, son?  
  
Bobby: My friend Billy commited suicide today. My other friends have started to smoke marijuana to deal with it. But something inside of me keeps telling me it's the wrong thing to do!  
  
John: Thank you for being so open and honest with us, Bobby.  
  
Marsha: And remember dear, we'll always be here for you.  
  
Suddenly, crashing and screaming is heard coming from the other room.  
  
Jane: No, Suzy! Don't die now! The world is going to end soon, and I can't face it alone!  
  
John, Marsha, and Bobby rush into the room to see Jane hovering over her twin sister.  
  
Marsha: Oh my god, what happened?  
  
Jane: I thought I saw a man with a gun coming towards me, so I pushed Suzy down the stairs. I was only trying to protect her, Mama. Really, I was!  
  
John: It's okay, Jane. It was only a hallucination. But you need to remember to take your schizophrenia medication, understand?  
  
Jane: Yes, Papa. I promise I'll never forget again!  
  
Suzy: Ohhh. . .  
  
John: Are you okay, Suzy? Where does it hurt?  
  
Bobby: It looks like a few of her vertebrae have slipped out of place. She needs to be hospitalized.  
  
Jane: Is she going to die, Mama?  
  
Marsha puts her arms around Jane, and everyone moved closer together.  
  
Marsha: As long as we're together as a family, everything will be okay.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------  
  
LPD #4: Alright, that's a bit too different.  
  
LPD #3: Back to the real story! 


	12. Chapter 6 and three quarters

Chapter 6.75 In which we might finally finish up with Gandalf's birthday party (will it  
ever end?!)  
  
While we were doing something completely different, the party guests were playing a rousing game of charades. Or maybe some other game. Either way, it was rousing.  
  
Elrond: Okay, let's do this the fair way. Raise your hand if you think LPD #1 does the better Gollum impression.  
  
Everyone raises their hand.  
  
Gollum: We demands a rematch!!!  
  
Elrond: Fine. You go first this time, baldy.  
  
Gollum: They stoles it, they stoles it from us. My PRECIOUSSSS!!!!  
  
LPD #1 sits down on the floor and stares up at everyone.  
  
Legolas: Wow.  
  
Frodo: How does she do that?  
  
Elrond: Okay, now who thinks #1 makes the better Gollum?  
  
*unanimous vote*  
  
Elrond: Who thinks Gollum does the better Gollum impression?  
  
Silence.  
  
*cricket cri-  
  
SQUASH!  
  
Gimli: $@%# bug.  
  
LPD #3: GIMLI, HOW COULD YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
LPD #4: That was our best cricket! How can we ever replace it?!!!!  
  
LPD #2: That's the last straw, Gimli! We may have turned our faces when you were flirting with the elf girls, and we may have ignored your singing in the bathhouse, but we do so no more! We're sending you to ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!!  
  
Gimli: WHAT???!!!!!!  
  
*poof.* Gimli is gone.  
  
LPD #3: . . .Remember how Sr. Davis gave us all that homework when we were writing chapter 4?  
  
LPD #1: Yes. What about it?  
  
LPD #3: And how he kicked us out of the party?  
  
LPD #1: Yes.  
  
LPD #2: Ah, yes.  
  
LPD #4: Splendid.  
  
Sr. Davis: Hey guys, what's up?  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: We're sending you to ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!!!  
  
Sr. Davis: WHAT???!!!!!!  
  
*poof.* Sr. Davis is gone.  
  
Gollum: Doesn't anyone feel any sympathy for us?!  
  
Elrond: Who feels sympathy for the giant naked mole rat?  
  
*silence*  
  
*bzzt bzzt*  
  
LPD #3: CRICKET!!!! *sob*  
  
LPD #4: It's okay. We'll get used to flyboy.  
  
Gollum: Drats. This is no fun.  
  
Gollum suddenly remembers the ring in his pocket.  
  
Gollum: Smeagol must go to Mordor! Off we go!!  
  
Gollum dashes through the nearest exit, which just happens to be the three- inch crack in the window.  
  
Gollum: Crapses! Poopses! Curses! Poopses again!  
  
Meanwhile. . .  
  
Elrond: Hit the switch, Arwen!  
  
The lights go off, and 12 elves come through one of the doors carrying a HUGE cake. There are so many candles the top of it appears to be on fire.  
  
Elrond: Ready. . . 1, 2, 3!  
  
All: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Gandalf, happy birthday to you!  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: And many more. . .  
  
Gandalf takes a deep breath, sucking in as much air as he can hold, and then. . .  
  
Sam: *fart*  
  
Gandalf: *WHOOSH!*  
  
Everyone else: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
A giant ball of flame rolls over everyone. All now stand in silence, feeling quite warm.  
  
Pippin: Ha ha! Your hair looks like a menorah, Merry!  
  
Pippin begins to sing as everyone laughs at each other's new festive hairdos.  
  
Pippin: Dredle dredle dredle, bright the candles burn!  
  
Elrond: SILENCE!!!  
  
Silence.  
  
*bzzzt bzzt*  
  
*crackle crackle*  
  
Elrond: My house is on fire!!!  
  
King Arthur: Run away! Run awaaay!!  
  
Chaos and disorder ensues as everyone dashes for the nearest exit (including the three inch crack), with Pippin all the while singing that annoying Hanukah song.  
  
LPD #1: Phew, that was a close one.  
  
LPD #4: Do they have a fire department in Middle Earth?  
  
LPD #2: Naw, it was disbanded after all the balrogs fell into shadow.  
  
LPD #3: Wait a sec. . .  
  
LPD #1: What is it?  
  
LPD #3: Do you realize what just happened?  
  
LPD #4: No.  
  
LPD #3: . . . WE JUST FINISHED GANDALF'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!  
  
LPD #1: My god, you're right, #3!  
  
LPD #2: EVERYBODY DANCE!!  
  
They all danced, and were blissfully, blissfully happy. That is, they were until they realized they no longer had a Rivendell.  
  
*End of this Chapter* 


	13. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
In which we say hello to some old friends.  
  
Boromir (who has recovered his memory) is taking advantage of his position as the one who is prophesied to save the world.  
  
Boromir: Every other day must be spent praising the Dragon Reborn.  
  
Dobraine: As you say, so it shall be done.  
  
Boromir: No wearing socks at two o'clock on Wednesday.  
  
Dobraine: . . . As you say, so it shall be done.  
  
Boromir: All hippos must be accompanied by an extra-terrestrial rodent.  
  
Dobraine: . . . Uh, whatever you say, my lord Dragon.  
  
Boromir: The name Aragorn is banned.  
  
Dobraine: But what about those already named Aragorn?  
  
Boromir: Change them to Boromir.  
  
Dobraine: Anything else, my lord?  
  
Boromir: Yes. No ordering Dominoes pizza in the middle of the night.  
  
Dobraine: Uh. . .  
  
Boromir: And remind the people that our nachos don't bite.  
  
Dobraine: Aha. As you command, my lord.  
  
Boromir: You are dismissed. Oh, and send for Alanna on your way out.  
  
Dobraine: Yes, my lord.  
  
Boromir twiddles his thumbs for awhile. Suddenly, the door bursts open, allowing a ticked-off red head with purple eyes and a black cat to come storming in.  
  
Alanna: Are you the ruler of these lands?  
  
Boromir: Yes. . . are you Alanna?  
  
Alanna: That's Lady Alanna to you. Now where am I?  
  
Boromir: Wha. . . but aren't you my Aes Sedai?  
  
Lady Alanna: NO. I will say this very slowly so you can understand. Where. . . am. . . I?  
  
Boromir: Why, this is RandLand! Soon to be changed to BoromirLand!  
  
Lady Alanna: Why?  
  
Boromir: It's a complicated matter. You wouldn't understand.  
  
Lady Alanna: Try me.  
  
Boromir: *doesn't understand*  
  
Suddenly, the door flies open again.  
  
Boromir: . . .Alanna? But. . . you're already here!  
  
Lady Alanna: I am indeed.  
  
Alanna Sedai: Who are you?  
  
Lady Alanna: Alanna.  
  
Boromir: But. . . But. . .  
  
Faithful (the black cat): Ah, I sense a catfight coming on. I love catfights.  
  
***  
  
While we were gone, Mat had been very busy skipping classes, dodging punishments, flirting with the female prefects in Hufflepuff, and teaching the first-years how to gamble with dice.  
  
Mat: No, Bradly, you don't want to put in a whole galleon this time. Bid low until you gain back some of the stuff you lost last time.  
  
Jill: And remember, never bid more than one knut when Harry's playing.  
  
Mat: Okay everyone, roll your dice!  
  
*dice rolling*  
  
Bradley: . . . I won! I won!  
  
Mat: Good job, Brad. Now you can bid as high as you want next time.  
  
Ron: Hey Harry. What're you playing?  
  
Jill: It's called gam-  
  
Mat: Uh, just a little children's game.  
  
Hermoine: That's so sweet of you, Harry.  
  
Mat: Yep.  
  
Ron: You ready for that quidditch match against Slytherin this afternoon?  
  
Mat: THAT'S TODAY?!!!  
  
Hermoine: Don't tell me you've been skipping practice again, Harry.  
  
Mat: . . . *gulp* . . .  
  
***  
  
In the White Tower of RandLand:  
  
Sedai: Mother, I found this boy in one of the store rooms. I believe he may be a channeler.  
  
Elaida: *Gasp!* He must be stilled!  
  
Alviarin: Mother, remember your personal penance?  
  
Elaida: Yes. . .  
  
Alviarin: Double it. No what is your name, boy?  
  
Boy: Harry Potter, ma'am.  
  
Elaida: Can you channel?  
  
Harry: I don't believe so.  
  
Sedai: At least he's polite.  
  
Alviarin: Arrange for him to be gentled.  
  
Harry: Oh really, I think I'm already gentle enough. But if you don't mind, could you tell me how to get back to Hogwarts? I have a quidditch game in 1 hour.  
  
Elaida: Hogwarts? Is that the name you Asha'man call the Black Tower?  
  
Harry: Well, most of it's black, but I wouldn't call it a tower. It has more of a castle look to it.  
  
Alviarin: He is an Asha'man! This is even worse than the Black Ajah!!  
  
Mesaana: . . . *looks at her sideways*  
  
Alviarin: I mean. . . uh. . .  
  
Sedai: I'll go schedule the gentling.  
  
Elaida: Thank you.  
  
Harry: Are you guys coming to my quidditch match?  
  
***  
  
Back to Boromir.  
  
Boromir has been sitting back watching the catfight between both Alannas and the cat.  
  
Boromir: This is better than professional wrestling.  
  
Lews Therin: I'm sure it is. Ooo, that Lady Alanna has nice legs!  
  
Boromir: Yeah. Maybe she could bond me instead of the skinny-legged freak she's fighting.  
  
Lews Therin: Ah, that would be nice.  
  
Faithful: Hey Alanna, the stuck-up guy over there likes your legs.  
  
Alanna Sedai: Really?! I've never had anyone give me such a compliment!  
  
Faithful: No, not you. Lady Alanna.  
  
George: Hey, what's going on?  
  
Faithful: That guy over there is hitting on your wife.  
  
George: WHAT?!  
  
Boromir: No! It wan't me! It was the voice inside my-  
  
Another fight ensues, only this time with men and no cats. Well, one of them was a real man. The other never really got past the maturity level of a 6 year old.  
  
Boromir: Mama! Papa! SAAAAAVE MEEE!!!  
  
Lews Therin: I DON'T WANNA DIE AGAIN!!!  
  
George: This is too easy.  
  
Boromir suddenly finds himself lying on the floor in a straight jacket.  
  
Boromir: Wha- you can't do this! I'm the Dragon Reborn!!  
  
Faithful: You had it coming all along.  
  
Lady Alanna: I'm done with her, George. Let's go.  
  
Lews Therin: NOOO!! Come back and put on some pantyhose, oh legs of polished ivory!!!  
  
Boromir: Oh shut up.  
  
***  
  
Back to Mat.  
  
Announcer: And here, they are, Gryffindor team, with our favorite seeker: Harry Potter!  
  
*Audience claps and cheers*  
  
Mat screams in utter terror as his broom rushes down to the ground, only pulling up .15 seconds before impact.  
  
Announcer: That Harry, he's such a show-off. Anyways, there's no need to intimidate the other team: they're already scared silly! Why, Slytherin hasn't won a game since. . . *counts fingers* *runs out* Well, since Harry joined the team!  
  
*Audience claps and cheers like there's no tomorrow*  
  
Announcer: And now let's welcome slytherin team!  
  
A couple of people that reminded Mat of the trollocs he had fought back in his own world come riding out on their broomsticks.  
  
Audience: *clap* *clap*  
  
Hermoine had told Mat earlier that those clapping were the Slytherins. Not many of them came to these matches anymore because their team hadn't won a game in so long.  
  
Announcer: Players take your positions. . . and let the games begin!  
  
Buzzer: *BEEP!*  
  
Mat: Oh light. . .  
  
Mat closes his eyes as his broomstick flies madly around the court. Bludgers swing around him in a tiny circle.  
  
Mat: If there's any day I'm glad to be Ta'veren, it's today.  
  
The broomstick starts twirling around, taking Mat with it. The seeker on the other team, who's face brought back pleasant memories of the first trolloc he had beheaded, tried to follow his lead, thinking he was after the snitch.  
  
Other Guy: Give me fresh meat!  
  
Mat: Wha- you really are a trolloc!!! You blended right in with the Slytherin team!!!!  
  
Mr. Trolloc: Hey, I remember you! You kill my father! Prepare to DIE!!!  
  
Mat: AAAAHHH!!!!  
  
Mat abandons the broom for a more familiar form of anti-gravity: thin air.  
  
Mat: AAAAHHH!!!!!  
  
Announcer: What does Potter have up his sleeve this time?!  
  
Mat frantically grabs at anything that is there until finally he gets a hold on a tiny round object with rapidly beating wings.  
  
Mat: Now what could this-  
  
*thump*  
  
Announcer: Is this what I think it is? Yes! Potter's done it again! He caught the golden snitch! GRYFFINDOR WINS!!  
  
Everyone: YAY!!!  
  
Mr. Trolloc: I'll get you next time, Cauthon!  
  
Mat: I'm alive. . . I'm alive. . . I'm alive. . .  
  
***  
  
Back to Harry.  
  
13 Aes Sedai stand in a circle around a skinny dark-haired boy with a lightning shaped scar on his forehead.  
  
Alviarin: . . . Now, by the grace of the Light, may this man. . . uh, boy. . . be gentled!  
  
Lights flare up around the women. Harry stands there and looks around awkwardly.  
  
Harry: Um, I really do have a quidditch match to attend if you're quite finished.  
  
Sedai #4: It's. . . not. . . working. . .  
  
Sedai #11: Maybe he's the Dragon Reborn!  
  
All of a sudden, the fifth book is published, and Harry turns evil.  
  
Harry: I WILL EAT YOUR HEART!!  
  
Sedais: Run away!! Run away!!  
  
*Chapter End* 


	14. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
In which we return to the dimension of Clubs  
  
The People Who Have Died But Aren't Really Dead Club!!!!  
  
Lanfear: So, how did you die?  
  
Nearly-Headless Nick: Oh yes, I was fighting Sir Robin on a sunny day, and he got me 41 times with a blunt axe. It was a rather. . . interesting experience.  
  
Lanfear: Hmmm. . . Mind if I tell your story to one of my colleagues? She would find it fascinating.  
  
Moraine: You don't mean Semirhage, do you?!  
  
Lanfear: . . . *cough cough* . . .  
  
Suddenly, there is a large *POOF!*  
  
Lanfear: Hey Elvis, I think you've got a new recruit.  
  
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Use the Force, Luke! Use the-- What the--  
  
Elvis: Welcome to the People Who Have Died But Aren't Really Dead Club!  
  
Obi-Wan: But I'm not dead!  
  
Elvis: That's the point.  
  
Old Man: I'm not dead!!  
  
Everyone: We know that already!!!!!  
  
Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk!!  
  
Black Knight: Come back here, you yellow bastard!  
  
Old Man: I feel happeeeeeee!!!  
  
Samara: Your seven days are up!  
  
Elvis: Samara, how many times have I told you not to kill the club members? We're few enough as it is!  
  
Samara: I don't mean to hurt them. I just can't help it!  
  
Black Knight: Victory is mine!  
  
* * *  
  
The Anger Management Club!!!!  
  
Images of Los Pollos Desnudos and crickets can be found all around the room on pots, mirrors, and other easily broken items.  
  
Gimli: $@#% BUG!!!  
  
*smash*  
  
Sr. Davis, whose veins are popping out of his forehead: Lazy A students who put me here with this crazy dwarf that threatens to kill my walking sticks!!!!!  
  
*smash*  
  
Gimli: Hey, who you calling crazy?!!  
  
Sr. Davis: AAAAHH!!  
  
*crush* *smash* *jab* *screech*  
  
Suddenly, Los Pollos Desnudos begin the new school year, and Sr. Davis is no longer in our story. . . because. . . we said so!!  
  
*poof.* Sr. Davis is gone.  
  
Gimli: Hey, where'd the #$^%&%^ &@*%@$% go?!! Let me outta here too!!!  
  
LPD #4: Watch your language, and maybe we'll consider your offer!  
  
LPD #3: No! NEVER!! His crime was far too great to amend!!!  
  
LPD #1: But he has to go with the Fellowship!  
  
LPD #3: No he doesn't! We can replace him!!!  
  
LPD #2: But with who?  
  
*silence*  
  
*bzzt bz- squash!  
  
Gimli: %$#@ bug.  
  
LPD #3: See, I told you!! He's too dangerous!!!  
  
LPD #4: Fine, but who do we send in his place?  
  
*silence*  
  
*silence silence*  
  
LPDs: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!!!!!!!!  
  
LPD #1: That's the best idea ever!  
  
LPD #4: Well, except for this great one coming up. . .  
  
LPD #3: Shh! You're ruining the plot!!  
  
LPD #2: What plot?  
  
LPD #3: Good point.  
  
And so, Captain Jack joins the Fellowship of the Ring and Gimli is left in the tiny room to smash bugs for all eternity.  
  
* * *  
  
The Traitors Anonymous Club!!!!  
  
Jeckyl: Come in, fellow enemies.  
  
A bunch of people with brown paper lunch bags (not magical) and 'fake' IDs walk in and take their seats.  
  
Jeckyl: Now, who has recently betrayed?  
  
'Jennifer': I stole Lori's cheetos!  
  
*silence*  
  
'Lori': Why you little. . .  
  
'Jennifer': Eeek!  
  
Jeckyl: You've passed the test. Welcome to the club, 'Jennifer'. Now let's see who's here. . . Smeagol! Welcome back! Who have you been betraying recently?  
  
Gollum: Master betrayed us!  
  
Jeckyl: Well, yeah, but who did you betray?  
  
Gollum: My preciouss. . .  
  
Jeckyl: Precious? Does this mean what I think it does?  
  
*silence*  
  
*click click*  
  
All: GOLLUM HAS A LOVER!!!!!  
  
Smeagol: Actually, Smeagol has many lovers. . .  
  
*Author's note: We were going to hook our favorite overgrown naked mole rat up with Britney Spears, but we figured she'd be too weird- even for Gollum. So now we've had writer's block for the past three months and have had to resort to discussing politics at lunchtime. And so, in a last desperate attempt to find a plot, we consult. . .  
  
The Magical Brown Paper Lunch Bag of Ideas!!!!  
  
Random idea consists of two words: Michael Jackson.  
  
Xena: Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Hades?  
  
Michael Jackson: I AM Hades!  
  
Xena: What? But how-  
  
MJ: Plastic surgery. Works for everything.  
  
Asmodean: That explains a lot.  
  
Darth Vader: I need to get me a face lift!  
  
Suddenly, the sound of a door being bashed down by two hobbits is heard.  
  
Jeckyl: Hey, we're on a budget here! You can't just go bashing things over all the time!  
  
*transformation occurs*  
  
Hyde: Oh yes we can!  
  
Smee: What?! He just betrayed himself!  
  
Benedict Arnold: Strange. So that's how he got elected leader.  
  
Hobbits: *ahem*  
  
Peasant: We have a leader? I thought we were an autonomous collective!  
  
Wormtongue: You're fooling yourself! We live in a dictatorship!  
  
Hobbits: *cough cough*  
  
Saruman: But see, if the dictator is in the ownership of an unladen African swallow. . .  
  
Merry and Pippin: Get on with it!!  
  
The two hobbits march into the room armed with high-tech distraction finding equipment.  
  
Pippin: Fork over the distraction, bloody peasants!  
  
Peasant: Help! Help! I'm being repressed!  
  
Merry: Ha ha! Fork! You said fork! Remember that one time when we were playing charades with our past selves, and we were evil and you had that toasting fork and I was Your Worst Nightmare. . . good times, good times! *gets funny looks* Anyways. . .  
  
Michael Jackson: Look! Children!  
  
*all look at him weirdly*  
  
Pippin: Now that's a distraction if I ever saw one.  
  
Merry: Um, Pip? You've never seen one.  
  
Pippin: Oh yeah!  
  
Merry: Quick! Suck it up into our distraction-catcher, before he distracts us for good!  
  
Smee: Too late. . .  
  
MJ: You're the weirdest little boys I've bumped into in a long time!  
  
Merry: We could say the same for you.  
  
MJ is sucked up into the distraction catcher.  
  
Pippin: Uh. . . Now what? Should we sell it? I bet we could get a lot of money for this!  
  
Merry: Um, Pip? You've never sold a Distraction before.  
  
Pippin: But I bet you can get big money for them in Rivendell!  
  
Merry: Wait a sec, didn't Rivendell burn to the ground?  
  
Pippin: Wll, maybe they rebuilt it! The authors certainly took long enough getting back to the plot.  
  
Los Pollos Desnudos: What plot?  
  
Suddenly, a UFO drops from the sky.  
  
Three-eyed Alien: You have found our Cousin!  
  
Michael Jackson: Uncle Billy-Bob!  
  
Pippin: I can see the family resemblance.  
  
Aliens and MJ run towards each other in a rejoiceful reunion.  
  
Merry: Hold on a second. How much will you give us for him?  
  
Alien: I have some Canadian pennies lying around. . .  
  
Pippin: Shiny!  
  
Merry: Wait! We must drive a harder bargain!  
  
Alien: Well, I do have this. . .  
  
Hobbits get the Magical Sparkly Electric Blue Cow-Summoning Rod of Happiness!!!!!  
  
Merry: Yay!  
  
Pippin: Shiny. . . 


	15. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
In which the Dark Lords actually DO something  
  
Sauron: I have an idea! I have an idea!  
  
Random Evil Lords: What is it?! What is it?!  
  
Sauron: We can. . . defeat the elves!  
  
Barney: And how do you propose to do this?  
  
Sauron: . . . Weapons of Mass Destruction!  
  
Barney: Does anyone ELSE have an idea?  
  
Random Evil Lord #59: I know! We could make this large wooden badger. . .  
  
*groan*  
  
Morgoth: Who exactly are we fighting?  
  
Sauron: The elves!  
  
*groan*  
  
Voldemort: Harry Potter!  
  
*groan*  
  
Shai'tan: The Wheel of Cheese!!  
  
*gasp!*  
  
REL #22: No evil lord has ever attempted something so. . . evil!!  
  
Morgoth: And how do we propose to do this?  
  
Barney: I have the most brilliant plan of all time! All you have to do is give me ALL your power!  
  
Glenin: But I like my evil powers!  
  
Strongbad: Hey! There's a female in here?!  
  
Wicked Witch Union: SEXIST PIG!! Who said womyn couldn't be as evil as men! Didn't you know that a wommon created the original Weapon of Mass Destruction?!!  
  
Sauron: And what would that be?  
  
Wicked Witches: The Rubber Mallet!!!  
  
*silence*  
  
Barney: Give me all your powers!!  
  
Evil Lords: NOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Barney: I'll give you Canadian pennies!  
  
Evil Lords: SHINY!!!!!  
  
All the evil lords hand their powers to Barney.  
  
Barney: WHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
Powerless Evil Lords: Shiny. . .  
  
Two days later.  
  
Barney stands behind a podium in a tuxedo. Next to him on a table is a small box-shaped object covered by a white sheet.  
  
Barney: Ladies and Gentlemen, the waiting has paid off! No longer shall we sit around and drink our tea in misery!  
  
*applause*  
  
Barney: The day has come when all that is nice (*cough* sing-a-longs *cough*) shall be turned to darkness!  
  
*applause*  
  
Barney: And so, I present to ye, on this day in January, the third, to be precise. . .  
  
Exploited Peasants: Get on with it!!!  
  
Barney: Alright, alright already. I present to ye- the greatest Weapon of Mass Destruction of all time!!!  
  
Baby Bop pulls of the white sheet revealing- -  
  
A mouse.  
  
Random Powerless Evil Lord #37: What, behind the mouse?  
  
Barney: It is the mouse!!  
  
George W.: Even Iraq had better Weapons of Mass Destruction than that!  
  
*silence*  
  
W: I mean. . . uh. . .  
  
Glenin: It's so cute!  
  
Voldemort: Dog pile on Barney!!!!  
  
Barney: Wait, no! You see, it-  
  
*Barney has been piled upon*.  
  
RPEL #8: Give us our powers back, disgrace to public television!!  
  
While no one is looking, the mouse undoes the latch on its cage and sneaks off to do what it was made to do.  
  
*dog pile ends*  
  
Glenin: Alright, now that overgrown lizard has been dethroned.  
  
Morgoth: So. . . who's leader now?  
  
StrongBad: I AM!!!! Wha haha!! Bow down to the master of Double Deucing!!!  
  
*silence*  
  
W: Maybe we should vote and have the one who gets the least be our leader.  
  
*silence*  
  
Shai'tan: So, who wants some more tea?  
  
RELs: MEEEE!!!!  
  
Voldemort: and those fancy little tea cakes!!  
  
And so the remaining dark lords have a tea party and the mouse is forgotten, to the despair of all. 


End file.
